November 15, 2010

Our Lawsuits Will Block Out The Sun!

300 janitors could have held the Persians off. Just use that vomit-sand to cover the battlefield for an insurmountable advantage.

November 13, 2010

How Not To Ride A Bike - Helmets Don't Protect From Stupidity

Someone is going to need the number of a good dentist...
And a good osteopathic doctor...
And a good plastic surgeon....

November 12, 2010

Ok, On The Count Of Three... Everybody, Jump!

Gravity is a bitch of a mistress...

October 30, 2010

Cellman Wishes You a Happy Halloween! Press "0" To Talk To The Operator

Can you hear me now? Speak directly into the mouthpiece, please.

October 24, 2010

Please, Kids... Get Your Education!

Enjoy returning to school Monday, kids. Remember, it's easier to pay attention now than to pay for it for the rest of your life.

October 23, 2010

Woman Drove For Months With Dead Body in Passenger Seat - No HOV Lane For You

Medical examiners have identified a mummified corpse that was left in a car's passenger seat for 10 months in Southern California, a police spokesman said Friday.

Authorities had said earlier it could take weeks to identify the homeless woman, but the Orange County coroner's office was able to rehydrate the desiccated body's fingertips to obtain a usable fingerprint, said Costa Mesa police Detective Sgt. Paul Beckman. The office will not release the name until next-of-kin are notified, he said.

The woman's remains, discovered Monday in a car parked illegally in Costa Mesa, are little more than skin and bones and weigh 30 pounds, said police Sgt. Ed Everett.

The car's driver befriended the homeless woman in a park in nearby Fountain Valley and told her she could sleep in the car. When she found the woman dead in the passenger seat, she was afraid to tell police, Everett said.

The driver is a 57-year-old former real estate agent from Corona del Mar, an upscale beach community, who herself had fallen on hard times and was living with friends, he said.

Authorities have not determined if the driver, whose name has been withheld, will face any charges in the case.

An autopsy showed no signs of trauma. Toxicology reports could take six weeks or more, Everett said.

"We would obviously be looking at what laws deal with the transportation of bodies. Ultimately, this is still an undetermined death," Beckman said. "There's still a vast amount of investigation necessary."

The woman whose car she died in last saw her in December, but it wasn't immediately clear when she discovered the body, Everett said.

The driver had placed a box of baking soda in the car to mask the smell and covered the body with a blanket and some clothes, he said.

Officers found it Monday when they noticed a stench while responding to a call about an illegally parked vehicle.

October 22, 2010

GNOC For the Win - How Pervs Rule the Internet

GNOC is currently the hottest of all hot trends at Google Trends. That seems to be one of those things that just makes you scratch their head. Why, all over the world, are computer users bringing up their Google search and typing “GNOC” into their search bars?

GNOC is an acronym that has been around for awhile. It's mainly used by the pervs who cruise various chat rooms like some sort of cyber-version of Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino. When they find a female they like, they'll invariable suggest she “Get Naked On Cam,” or GNOC.

Some people entering the phrase might be looking for the Gambia National Olympic Committee. However, it seems unlikely that there are enough Gambians surfing the web at any given time looking for information about their Olympic committee.

More likely it's just a bunch of pervy pervs hoping that the hottest women, or any females for that matter, will get naked on their web cam.

Either way, it looks like this day belongs to GNOC.

October 8, 2010

Marilyn Monroe's Chest X-Ray From 1954 Sells For $45,000 at Las Vegas Auction - Great Side Boob

Marilyn Monroe's bust has sold for a bundle.

A 1954 x-ray of the stunning starlet's chest sold at auction in Las Vegas on Sunday for a sizable $45,000. This was well above the estimated $800 to $1,200 it was expected to fetch.

The bizarre medical photograph was one of several of Monroe's belongings that were up for bid at Planet Hollywood Resort and Casino via Julien's Auctions over the weekend.

"[The x-ray] was taken around the time she was believed to be pregnant, and rumor has it that she had a miscarriage," President/CEO Darren Julien told the Daily News back in April.

It was captured at Cedars of Lebanon Hospital (which in 1961 merged with another hospital to become Cedars-Sinai Medical Center), and features the then 28-year-old Monroe's chest and lungs.

Since I love you guys, here it is for free. You just saved $45,000. You're welcome!

Stairway to Heaven... Or At Least Halfway There - This Looks Safe

October 6, 2010

How To Get A Kiss From A Random Stranger - Lessons For Real Life

I know... Everyone posts videos, and they are never worth the time to click them.

But this one is good for a laugh, I swear. Have I ever steered you wrong on a video before? Click it already!

Tennessee Teen Shot in Ass Over Sagging Pants - Wallet Would Have Stopped Bullet

Police say a 45-year-old Memphis man angry over two teens' sagging pants shot one in the ass during an argument. He faces aggravated assault charges.

The boys were walking through a southeast Memphis neighborhood when Kenneth E. Bonds yelled at them to pull up their pants, according to an arrest document.

Police Sgt. Ron Perry said the teens refused and the three began arguing in the street. Bonds then brandished a semi-automatic pistol and threatened to shoot the teens.

Perry said Bonds fired several shots and hit one of the teens as the pair ran away. The teen's wound wasn't critical. The other wasn't injured in the Sept. 25 shooting first reported by The Commercial Appeal in Memphis.

A court clerk says it's not clear if Bonds had a lawyer.

October 4, 2010

Florida Man Denies Crack in Buttocks is His... It's Exactly Like It Sounds

When sheriff's deputies allegedly discovered bags of marijuana and cocaine between a man's buttocks, they said he gave a quick explanation. Manatee County deputies said Raymond Stanley Roberts told them "The white stuff is not mine, but the weed is."

Deputies stopped the 25-year-old Wednesday in Bradenton for speeding. Officers said they smelled marijuana and searched him. That's when they allegedly found a bag of marijuana between Roberts' buttocks.

Officers then discovered another bag in there; the report said it contained 27 pieces of rock cocaine, also known as crack.

The Bradenton Herald reported Roberts was arrested for drug possession and has bonded out of jail. The person who answered Friday at a phone number listed for Roberts said it wasn't his.

September 25, 2010

Man Settles McDonalds Exploding Sandwich Lawsuit - Waistlines Still Exploding at McDonalds

A Florida man has settled his $2 million lawsuit against a McDonald's restaurant in southwest Virginia that allegedly served him a chicken sandwich that exploded with hot grease. Terms of the settlement entered Friday in Alexandria were not disclosed.

The long-running case began in 2005 when carnival operator Frank Sutton of Brooksville, Fla., ordered a fried chicken sandwich at a McDonald's in the Daniel Boone truck stop in Duffield, Va. He said he suffered burns to his mouth and lips when it spewed scalding grease after he bit into it.

A judge dismissed the lawsuit in 2008, saying that Sutton should have tested the temperature of his sandwich before ate it. But a federal appeals court disagreed and sent the case back for a second trial. That trial had been scheduled to start next week.

September 23, 2010

Spanish Region OKs Flaming Bulls - I For One Welcome Our Flaming Bull Overlords

MADRID — Lawmakers who banned bullfighting in Spain's Catalonia region this summer voted Wednesday to endorse other traditions that have been criticized as cruel to bulls, such as attaching burning sticks to their horns as they chase human thrill seekers.

The vote will only affect the Catalonia region of northeast Spain, but it addresses another manifestation of this country's timeless fascination with bulls and the testing of people's bravery with the snorting animals.

Besides watching the deadly duel of matador and bull, Spaniards run with bulls in Pamplona every year, spear them to death from horseback in another northern town — neither are in Catalonia — and cordon off town squares to let even children dodge feisty calves of the kind used to breed top-grade fighter bulls.

In July, Catalonia banned bullfighting on grounds of cruelty, becoming only the second Spanish region to do away with the centuries-old tradition, after the Canary Islands.

Wednesday's bill — approved by a 114-14 vote, with 5 abstentions — protects other bull-related traditions in Catalonia that activists find repulsive.

Known as 'correbous' in Catalan, these traditions include attaching short sticks with flaming wax or fireworks to bulls' horns, then letting the animals run around and chase people, or letting the beasts chase human daredevils by seaside marinas and plunge into the water.

Many people in Spain said they find it odd that Catalonia didn't scrap these eyebrow-raising customs at the same time it banned bullfighting.

The goal of the spectacles is not to harm or kill the bulls, but animal rights activists say the experience is still denigrating and terrifying for the animals and that some of the beasts end up getting burned or even drown during such events.

Catalonia's dominant party, a center-right nationalist coalition called Convergence and Union, says the bill — which it sponsored — seeks to fill a legal vacuum by establishing for the first time safety norms and other regulations for these festivals, including measures to protect the bulls themselves. But the legislation is widely seen as a way to enshrine the customs and buffer them against pressure to do away with them.

Francesc Sancho, a party spokesman, insisted the customs are not cruel and cannot be equated with bullfighting because the animals do not die. He said the bill seeks to protect bulls by, for instance, limiting how long such spectacles can last and having veterinarians examine the bulls afterward for signs of injury or stress.

Of the flaming horns, he said: "If the horns are wide enough, the bull does not get burned."

Sancho insisted that if the Catalonia region banned bullfighting on grounds of cruelty, it only makes sense to regulate the village festivals to minimize harm to the animals. "We are being absolutely consistent," he said.

But Alejandra Garcia, an animal rights activist who took part in a grass-roots campaign that led to the vote on banning bullfighting, said bulls do in fact suffer in the village parties.

"And it is absolutely unnecessary because the animal is being made to suffer just as a form of entertainment, so people have something fun to do in summer. That's all it is," she said.

In some seaside festivals, bulls chase thrill seekers on platforms set up along marinas, and usually end up falling into the water. People in boats lead the bulls back onto ground and back onto the platform for another go at it.

Garcia said there have been instances in which bulls got so sick of this they simply swam out to sea and drowned.

"There have been a lot of cases of that," she said.

Garcia said the bill is actually good because it will give activists a legal tool to go to court against, say, festival organizers who violate the rules it sets, such as a ban on kids under 14 taking part.

Ultimately, it will become clear these kinds of festivals are impossible to regulate and animals will continue to suffer, and this will lead to pressure to ban these customs, she said.

"For us it is a first step toward achieving a ban, over time," Garcia said.

An environmental party that is the only one in Catalonia to speak out against regulating the festivals — and which favors outlawing the traditions in which the animal is seen to suffer — has called the bill an act of contrition by politicians who banned bullfighting.

With regional elections scheduled for Nov. 28, the politicians are trying to reach out to Catalans who like bull-related events, said Daniel Pi Noya, a spokesman for the party, Initiative for Catalonia.

"This bill is all about seeking forgiveness," he said.

September 22, 2010

Why Would Anyone Want To Hear an 'Idol' announcement? Apparently 'American Idol' Agrees - No One Wants To Hear About New Season

Wednesday’s well-hyped “American Idol” webcast was lacking something. Well, in addition to any shockers (hey, who didn’t know Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler and singer-actress Jennifer Lopez were joining "Idol"?). The real missing element was sound.

Nice going, music show.

“Idol’s” attempt to reach the plugged-in masses via a live online video stream turned into an almost entirely audio-free experience. In fact, other than a quote or two about finding “the next Michael Jackson” from J.Lo (good luck with that) and Tyler’s promise to “bring some rock to this roller coaster," the only other sound was a high-pitched beep guaranteed to drive web dogs mad.

If the powers-that-be had any questions about how the big announcement fail went over with fans, all they had to do was glance at the scrolling list of heckles that they managed to correctly embed on the site.

Eventually, a full 50 minutes after the originally scheduled event and long after everyone knew what to expect on the televised talent show’s 10th season, the no-longer-live event replayed with a somewhat successful audio do-over.

Host Ryan Seacrest also addressed the boo-boo and tweeted, "We ran into some audio issues with the #IdolJudges live stream, but here's video of the entire reveal."

I'll save you from Linking that actual video. You're welcome.

South Bend, Indiana Says "To "L" With Education!" - A (Pubic) Hairy Situation

Sometimes, a thin letter can make a big difference.

So it was in South Bend, Ind., where a billboard celebrating the school system misspelled public, as in ‘public school.’

According to the South Bend Tribune, the error was spotted Saturday by a local resident while she sat in traffic.

By Monday, responsibility for the blooper was claimed by Blue Waters Group, which was working with the South Bend redevelopment commission.

“I feel terrible. It’s a mistake we made, and we’re guilty of it, and responsible for it, and we take full responsibility for the error,” Patrick Strickler, president of the Blue Waters Group, told the Tribune.

He noted that the typo was not the fault of the city or of the school system.

The sign, which rotated with other adverts in the billboard, was fixed by the end of the day.

September 17, 2010

Zombie State - The First University to Encourage Students Chose a 12 Gauge Over a 4.0

Who exactly is qualified to teach a college course about the undead?

The University of Baltimore apparently feels professor Arnold Blumberg is.

Blumberg, 39, is currently teaching a curious course titled “Media Genres: Zombies,” in which his roughly 45 students feast on books, comics and 16 zombie films, including the 1932 Bela Lugosi classic “White Zombie,” which Blumberg regards as “filled with atmosphere and very creepy.”

This is a class that taps into the zombie zeitgeist sweeping the nation — and it’s just one of several like it around the country serving up an off-the-beaten-path education to hungry students. Blumberg speaks about his syllabus — and zombies, of course — with bright fan boy enthusiasm.

“I've always enjoyed horror, and I've always found zombies more interesting and exciting than a lot of other fantasy monsters,” he told “The idea of a monster that is so very human and yet inhuman at the same time — I can only guess those things hooked me as a kid in the same way they've attracted generations of fans and moviegoers.”

In addition to the ever-ubiquitous cinema and small-screen vampires, zombies are just kinda hot right now. They inspired the best-selling 2009 literary mashup “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies”; they’ll give the “True Blood” cast a run for its money when they appear in the AMC show “The Walking Dead,” which is a TV  adaptation of a comic book series of the same name; there’s the “Dead Rising” and “Left 4 Dead” video game series, and even a Zombie Con in Irondale, Mo., this past summer.

Blumberg jumped at the chance to teach the course, which looks at zombies from the 1930s to the present from an academic standpoint. The class has already received national and international attention.

“We’ve gotten calls from Los Angeles and Boston,” said Jonathan Shorr, director of the School of Communications Design at the University of Baltimore. Someone from Belgrade, Serbia, even contacted the school to ask if the class was available online, Shorr said.

While Blumberg’s course may attract a crowd with particularly strong stomachs, it’s certainly not the first of its kind. Columbia College in Chicago and Simpson College in Iowa also offer courses pertaining to the undead.

And in a larger context, Blumberg’s zombie class aligns well with a spate of other offbeat courses at universities across the country. At Georgetown University, students have the option of enrolling in the “Philosophy and Star Trek” course. Students at Bowdoin College in Maine can take classes called “The Souls of Animals” and “Tolkien’s Middle Ages.”

In 2007, the Massachusetts Institute of Technology’s comparative media studies program began offering a course titled “American Pro Wrestling.” The same department also offered a course in 2008 exploring American soap operas.

“It was understood that wrestling is a very significant cultural phenomena,” said David Thorburn, professor of literature and comparative media studies, when asked about MIT’s decision to offer such a course. “The normal reaction for people, when they see in the curriculum things that come from their ordinary lives, like television or wrestling or sports events ... is to think the teacher is pandering to the students, or that the class is intellectually dubious. But it would make perfect sense if a film student or an anthropology student decided to take courses in this sort of thing. They would be learning about other aspects of popular culture.”

College enrollment rates were at an all-time high in 2009, with more than 70 percent of high school graduates enrolling, according to a Labor Department report released in April. So perhaps it makes sense for schools to further diversify the courses they offer.

“These seemingly offbeat courses perform the same kind of function as other liberal arts  courses, and that is to train you as a critical thinker and reader,” says Thomas S. Davis, assistant professor of English at Ohio State University. “You are learning to be a more discerning reader of cultural texts and phenomena, and that’s a good thing.”

That’s why Blumberg’s zombie course was a natural fit for student Darin Malfi. Malfi, 30, already knew of the professor through “Zombiemania,” a 2006 book Blumberg co-wrote with Andrew Hershberger, so the course was something of an ... uhh ... no-brainer.

“The class teaches you how to look at popular culture critically,” says Malfi. “All of the things he’s teaching, you can apply it to any medium of pop culture and see where it’s coming from.”

Blumberg, who credits the notorious 1968 movie “Night of the Living Dead” with being his first zombie film experience, shrugs off the notion that his class is merely frivolous.

“It would be irresponsible to not teach this kind of course,” he explained. “Young people are completely swamped with messages on their computers, on their smart phones, on their televisions. Why not to give them the tools they need to be able to analyze things around them properly?”

September 10, 2010

Bodyguard Saves Justin Bieber From Arrest After Pop Star Throws Water Balloon at State Trooper - Girls Get Away With Everything!

 In Justin Bieber's world, throwing water balloons at the cops isn't necessarily a punishable offense.

An eyewitness tells E! News that a state trooper — soaked below the belt courtesy of a direct Bieber balloon hit — was ready to slap the cuffs on the teen prior to his sold-out performance at the Maryland State Fair on Sunday, but Bieber's bodyguard managed to talk him out of it.

"Still laughing. GREAT DAY," Bieber tweeted late that night.

The "Baby" singer (emphasis on the baby) apparently had been working on his aim for awhile before making contact with the officer's gun belt.

Our source says that Bieber was having a blast tossing water balloons at people's crotches backstage ... until he made direct contact with the ticked-off state trooper, who was part of a unit on hand for crowd control.

Bieber then retreated to his trailer while his bodyguard successfully persuaded the officer not to put a black mark on the kid's squeaky-clean record (not including the madness that ensues among his fans when his very name is mentioned).

A state police spokesman described Bieber's behavior Sunday as "inappropriate," but he confirmed that no incident report was written and no further action will be taken against the teen or his entourage.

According to the Baltimore Sun, at least 1,000 Bieber fans were lined up by 7:15 a.m. outside the fairgrounds waiting for wristbands to allow them entry into the concert area. The 12,500 available tickets to watch Bieber sold out in 20 minutes.

Apparently making money for Maryland means you get to make your own rules for the cops to follow.

Bieber can next be seen giving a performance at this weekend's MTV Video Music Awards , where he's nominated for Best New Artist.

September 8, 2010

Xbox Live Gamer Suspended for Saying He Lives in Fort Gay - Residents of Lake Titicaca Nervous

 Microsoft recently banned a 26-year-old gamer from Xbox Live, accusing him of violating the online gaming service's code of conduct by publicly declaring that he's from the town of Fort Gay.

A customer service rep from the company told Josh Moore, an unemployed factory worker, that the town's name was considered offensive.

But Microsoft now finds itself having to issue an apology not only to Moore but to the entire town of Fort Gay, West Virginia. Turns out it's a real place.

It also turns out "gay" isn't an offensive word. But we knew that already, right?

Last year, Microsoft used a hammer to try and solve the problem — that is they tried to stem the use of homosexual slurs by banning all expressions of sexuality in any way in Gamertags and gamer profiles on Xbox Live. But that only created another problem — gamers who are, in fact, gay and want to identify themselves as such in their online information or in conversation, found themselves booted from the service for simply discussing an issue central to their lives and their identities.

Needless to say, Fort Gay gamer Moore was surprised to find himself caught up in that tangled mess – perhaps especially since he's not actually gay himself.

Moore enjoys playing games like "Medal of Honor," "Call of Duty" and "Ghost Recon" with other players via Xbox Live. But problems arose when he added the name of his home town to his Xbox Live profile. (Fort Gay is a community of about 800 in Wayne County, along West Virginia's western border with Kentucky.)

Microsoft suspended his gaming privileges leaving Moore desperately trying to convince customer service that the location wasn't a joke or a slur.

"I was mad ... It makes me feel like they hate gay people," Moore told the Associated Press. "I'm not even gay, and it makes me feel like they were discriminating."

Angry and incredulous, Moore contacted customer service.

"I figured, I'll explain to them, 'Look in my account. Fort Gay is a real place,'" Moore said. But he claims the employee was unreceptive, warning him that if he put Fort Gay back in his profile, Xbox Live would cancel his account and keep his monthly membership fee, which he'd paid in advance.

"I told him, Google it — 25514!" Moore said, offering up the town's ZIP code. "He said, 'I can't help you.'"

Fort Gay Mayor David Thompson also tried to intervene, but with little success. Thompson told television station WSAZ, which first reported the dispute, that he was informed the city's name didn't matter. The word "gay," he was told, was inappropriate in any context.

Stephen Toulouse, director of policy and enforcement for Xbox Live, has since told the AP that it's all been a big miscommunication. As their new Xbox Live policy states, using the word gay as part of a gamer's identity is no longer a banning offense.

He said Xbox Live received a complaint, which was directed to an agent for review.

"Someone took the phrase 'fort gay WV' and believed that the individual who had that was trying to offend, or trying to use it in a pejorative manner," Toulouse said. "Unfortunately, one of my people agreed with that. When it was brought to my attention, we did revoke the suspension."

Complaints, he notes, come to agents with no contextual information, including who the suspected offender is or what games they play. The agent simply looks at the language and determines whether it complies with policy.

Toulouse contends his team rarely makes mistakes but acknowledged, "Absolutely, a mistake was made here, and we've updated our training to account for that."

Toulouse said he will contact Moore and apologize.

"In this very, very specific case, a mistake was made," he said, "and we're going to make it right."
I'm sure that by "make it right" they did not mean to change climate the overwhelming oversensitivity and pandering that goes on in the world, but just in this one case. Too bad.

September 5, 2010

Teen Accidentally Texts Sheriff to Buy Pot - Parents Accidentally Forgot to Pull Out

Authorities said a Helena Montana teen sent out a text message last week in search of pot, but instead of contacting the drug dealer, he hit a wrong number and inadvertently sent the message to Lewis and Clark County Sheriff Leo Dutton. The text read, "Hey Dawg, do you have a $20 I can buy right now?"

Dutton told the Helena Independent Record he initially thought it was a joke, but he quickly realized it was a real request for drugs. He responded to the text, and a detective pretending to be the dealer organized a meeting with the boy last Wednesday.

The detective spotted two teenage boys and a man at the arranged meeting spot and called the number three times to make sure he had the right person. Dutton said when the detective showed the teens his badge, their faces turned white and their knees began to wobble. One of the boys even fainted.

The man in the group turned out to be the father of one of the teens, and no citations were issued after the parents of both boys got involved.

"Trying to buy drugs is a crime, but it's probably worse that they had to face their parents," Dutton said.

Newsflash for the Sherrif's Department - If your Dad is with you on a Pot Buy, turning the kids over to their parents so that they can "face" them instead of arresting them is HARDLY a fair trade off.

Not only can we not lock up people for stupidity, it now seems we cannot lock up stupid people when their stupidity causes them to be caught in a crime. I'm sure this is not the last we have heard about these kids and the cops. I'll try to run the prison interview in 10 years when these kids can't hide behind their youth.

September 4, 2010

How to Audition For Porn Without Even Trying - In Print, No Less

This hurts my head.... literally, as I had to beat it against a wall after reading this. I mean, where do I start? Lynzee (you can tell her parents are fine citizens just from that "free-spirit" spelling of her name) has just enough command of the English language to send it into one of those wells kids get stuck in, leaving us to try for the next 3 weeks and dig it out. I say we let this one die in the well. I mean, what value to society does Lynzee exhibit here? Who does she think is give her "the life of a princess"? Getting an education specifically teaches you how to avoid ignorant people like this future Jerry Springer starlet. This is why Porn Producers get so rich... a never-ending supply of idiots ready to do their bidding once they find out they are qualified for nothing else. This is like taking out a classified ad requesting pornographers contact you. See you in the movies, Lynzee!

September 3, 2010

Nein! German Kids Given Porn Pens, Outraging Parents - Meanwhile Teachers Still Having Sex With Students

BERLIN — To sweeten their first day at primary school German children are normally given a cardboard cone filled with sweets, but children in Essen this year opened their cones to find pens that project erotic images. Children attending the Adolf Reichwein School in the northwestern German city were handed cones containing the pens by members of the German Communist Party, according to the school's headmaster.

Angry parents who discovered that the pens given to their 6-year-old children could project erotic images of women informed the headmaster. In a press release, the German Communist Party stated that it had purchased the pens from a discount store, which had said the pens lit up at the push of a button.

"The German Communist Party deeply regrets what has happened and is outraged that this kind of thing, which borders on pornography, can be purchased in normal shops," it said, adding that its lawyers were now investigating whether the vendors could be prosecuted.

The party has offered to exchange the pens for something more suitable for children. Maybe they should consider McDonalds Batman Toys.

September 2, 2010

"I Heart Boobies" Bracelet Controversy Leads to Boy's Suspension - Boobies Remain in School

A Rocklin, Ca High School sophomore faces disciplinary action for wearing a controversial bracelet that proclaims "I heart boobies," then refusing to remove it and give it to the school. Hunter Cooper, 15, said he wore the bracelet since the first day of school. His mother gave it to him after she picked it up from a doctor's office. For five months before that, he had the pink survivor bracelet from Susan G. Komen. Then last Friday, school officials spotted him with the black "boobies" bracelet and asked him to remove it.

"I'm wearing it in honor of my grandmother," said Cooper, who said his grandmother died before he was born. "I don't see it as an offensive thing at all."

The black bracelet with white lettering also trumpets other slogans, such as "wearing breast," "save the breast" and "keep a breast." A spokesperson said its breast cancer awareness campaign is targeting teens.

"This is a modern word, I think. I know plenty of people who use the word boobies," said Cooper.

"We support the cause 100 percent," said Rocklin principal Mike Garrison. He said several staff members at Rocklin High School have battled breast cancer. "But, not the language on the bracelet," said Garrison. "When you use the term boobies, we find, and many people find, the term offensive and inappropriate. We find it inappropriate to be wearing it on school grounds."

Rocklin High officials asked Cooper to hand over the bracelet, but he refused. Cooper said he now faces Saturday school or one day of on-campus suspension for not complying. A female student at Rocklin High reportedly attended Saturday school over the weekend and was disciplined after refusing to turn over her "I Heart Boobies" bracelet. The principal would not discuss Cooper's case or confirm if Cooper faces disciplinary action. Principal Garrison would not discuss the other student's case either. "We have not suspended any student or disciplined any student for wearing a bracelet or shirt that has that insignia on it," Garrison said.

"I guess I was being too defiant because I didn't hand it over," said Cooper. "I don't really think those are fair punishments." Cooper said his grandmother died from breast cancer five months after his grandfather died from lung cancer. Several other family members and friends have battled cancer. Cooper owns various bracelets as a show of support-- including the well-known yellow Livestrong bracelet.

Cooper's mother said she was disappointed with the way the school and the district handled the issue. "Without having a discussion and handing out penalties first, I think that's a real problem," said Danielle Cooper. "They need to inform us as parents. I'd like them to handle the subject matter as mature adults. I'd like the staff to take a stand, one way or another. If they banned (the bracelets), and why they banned them, we should receive notice."

Garrison said school administrators will be meeting Tuesday for a leadership meeting and will be discussing their position. When asked if there would be boobies present, no comment was given.

September 1, 2010

McDonalds Wants To Teach Kids to Wank With The Help of Batman - G.I. Joe Offers Kung-Fu Grip Help

What's next? Wonder Woman with straw-swallowing action? How can a company that got sued for hot coffee waste millions of dollars on management and yet STILL miss the obvious masturbating toy that they just ordered 3 Billion of to provide kids? I'm beginning to think the world does need an enema, Jack.

Doctor Dies of Asphyxiation While Stuck In Chimney - In Other Words, Hole Plugs Hole

From the AP:

*A Central California doctor whose decomposing body was found in the chimney of her boyfriend's house died of asphyxiation, a coroner says. Kern County Sheriff-Coroner spokesman Ray Pruitt determined Tuesday that Dr. Jacquelyn Kotarac was unable to breathe in the narrow chimney where she was lodged after apparently trying to get into the Bakersfield home on Aug 25. Her preliminary cause of death is listed as mechanical asphyxiation, meaning her chest could not expand in the small space. The doctor, involved in an "on-again, off-again" relationship, apparently tried to force her way into the home by sliding down the chimney, police said Tuesday. Her decomposing body was found there three days later.

Kotarac, 49, first tried to get into the house with a shovel, then climbed a ladder to the roof last Wednesday night, removed the chimney cap and slid feet first down the flue, Bakersfield police Sgt. Mary DeGeare said. While she was trying to break in, the man she was pursuing escaped unnoticed from another exit "to avoid a confrontation," authorities said. DeGeare said the two were in an "on-again, off-again" relationship. The man's identity was not revealed by police, but the man who resides in the home is William Moodie. He declined to comment when reached Tuesday by The Associated Press, saying police instructed him not to discuss the matter.

Kotarac's body was not discovered until a house-sitter noticed a stench and fluids coming from the fireplace Saturday, according to a police statement. The house-sitter and her son investigated with a flashlight and found Kotarac dead, wedged about two feet above the top of the interior fireplace opening. Firefighters spent five hours late Saturday dismantling the chimney and flue from outside the home to extract Kotarac's body, DeGeare said. Officials said Kotarac's office staff reported her missing two days prior when she failed to show for work. Her car and belongings remained near the man's house. Foul play was not suspected, though investigators have been looking into the incident as suspicious.*

Someone smart enough to earn a Doctorate must understand that if you want a guy to plug your hole, plugging his is not the way to do it.

August 31, 2010

John Lennon's Toilet Sells For $14,740 At Auction - Imagine There's No Shit Stains...

From Reuters:
**A toilet that belonged to late Beatle John Lennon fetched 9,500 pounds ($14,740) at auction on Saturday, around 10 times its estimate, the sale organizers said. Lennon, who was murdered in New York in 1980, had the porcelain lavatory removed from Tittenhurst Park in Berkshire, southern England, where he lived from 1969 to 1971, and replaced with a new one. The builders who took away the white and blue lavatory were told to "put some flowers in it or something," according to the auction catalog. Builder John Hancock stored it in his shed for 40 years until he died recently and the lavatory was sent for sale, British media reports said. The toilet was among Beatles memorabilia sold at auction as part of the Beatle week festival in Liverpool, the group's native city in northwest England. The pre-auction estimate was 750 to 1,000 pounds. Anne-Marie Trace, who works at the Beatles Shop in Liverpool which organized the sale, said the high price paid had taken the organizers by surprise. "I think it's the most unusual item we've ever had in our auction," she told Reuters. The buyer was not identified but Trace said it was likely it was "going overseas."**

If they wanted a DNA sample so bad, why didn't they just scrape Yoko's rotten uterus?
Hell, Julian Lennon's whole net worth isn't even that much.

August 30, 2010

To Do List, Via Corporate Overlords - How They See Us

Presented without comment, because I can only shake my head.

World's Worst Wolverine Toy - Answers Question Is Wolverine Cut or Not

Why are his claws out, though? Is he using threats of dismemberment to forcibly get blown? All that time in Madripoor, you'd figure he'd know it only takes a $5 bill with the right connections. That, or a diamond ring...

Actually, now that I think about it, Wolverine has the right idea after all.

Oh, and Cut. DEFINITELY Cut.

Mystic Beheads Infant In Ritual He Believed Would Lend Him Supernatural Powers

From the AP:

<"During questioning, he said he had a dream and heard a voice saying he would get extraordinary healing powers if he sacrificed a male child," Mr Murugesan said. Gafoor, aided by a female accomplice, had collected a bottle of the child's blood and then buried the torso, after which he performed various rituals before throwing the bottle into the sea. Mr Murugesan said Gafoor had led police to the burial site where the body was found with a garland of beads, some "holy ash" and the portrait of a goddess.>

So, anyone tried beheading him yet? Because I'm hearing a voice right now telling me that his sacrifice might grant me the ability to hate one less Idiot in the world.

August 29, 2010

Father Gets 14 Years For Sex With Donkey - Donkey Was Asking For It

A Kenyan court sentenced a 30-year-old man on Wednesday to 14 years in jail for having sex with a donkey. Stephen Kipkemoi Rono was convicted after pleading guilty before a court in the southern town of Narok. The father of two was charged with having "carnal knowledge of an animal, namely a donkey, which is against the order of nature". Rono pleaded for leniency claiming that he had been deceived by the devil. He has two weeks to appeal the sentence. "I am sorry. I plead for leniency because it's the devil who sent me. I have been living alone since my wife left me to marry another man," he told the court.

So, he went from sleeping with a Bitch to sleeping with an Ass... I can see how he would consider that an upgrade.

Drunken Idiot Joyful Dog Chewed Off His Toe

From the AP:

<Grand Rapids Press reported that the 48-year-old musician knew for a while something was wrong with his foot. He resisted seeking care until giving in to his nurse wife's pressure one day last month. Before going for an appointment, Douthett says he went out drinking, then came home and passed out. When he awoke, the terrier was beside him in bed and lots of blood was where his toe used to be. His wife rushed him to Spectrum Health Blodgett Campus, where doctors found a bone infection and amputated the rest of the toe.>>

Too bad he didn't have a bladder infection.

Human Trash Goes On Rampage Over Chicken McNuggets - Which Has More Value to Society?

So, here is a drunk, fat white woman in her native environment (McDonalds). When refused service, she goes "drunk, fat white woman" on the staff and window. I posted this without sound to save you from hemorrhaging ears. Stay to see the window death scene that ends the final act. 

Remind me again why people protest the death penalty? I think it should be MAJORLY expanded.

Let's Get to Know One Another - I May Not Like At Least One of Us

Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

Are your parents siblings?

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?

Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?

Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?

How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.